Different tastes: Could your eating habits be hurting your relationship?
July 3, 2009 by Donna Feldman
Filed under Perspective
She: Wants to eat healthy; doesn’t like red meat; doesn’t like big dinners; wants to eat dinner early; eats breakfast early; likes salads.
He: Eats big breakfasts — at 10 am; likes to eat out every night; prefers steak or cheeseburgers; likes to eat dinner late; hates salads.
They: Are what some term an “eating disordered couple.” And their mismatched tastes may be messing with their marriage.
That’s when I meet them, about five patients per month at my part-time practice. Usually, I meet the spouse who wants to eat healthily. That person, often the woman in a man-woman relationship, is trying to improve her health by making better choices. But her partner isn’t interested in altering his diet.
Helping one half of a couple improve the diet is tricky. Of course, since I only get one side of the story, I don’t know how much of the other spouse’s resistance is real, and how much is imagined.
Still, the situation is common, and even if partially imagined, the tension can feel heavy.
Here are some tips on handling an eating disordered relationship:
Do not use your spouse’s disinterest in diet improvements as an excuse to do nothing. If you have legitimate concerns about weight and health and want to make changes, then do so.
There is no law that says you both have to eat the same thing at a meal. Conflicts about actual foods eaten are easy to resolve with convenience or take-out foods. You can share the time, but not the meal.
If you cook at home, compromise is essential. If he likes burgers, but you only eat chicken, a grill can handle both a burger and a chicken breast. Freeze uncooked meat for another meal. If one person prefers cooked vegetables and the other wants salad, keep washed and chopped salad fixings and a variety of frozen veggies in the fridge, so you can easily make single-servings of both.
Don’t let resentment sabotage your efforts. You might be avoiding certain foods for calorie control, such as breads, potatoes or desserts. But your spouse still eats them. You either give in to temptation and feel guilty, or you resist and feel deprived.
Instead, shop defensively. If you don’t care about potatoes but love bread, then serve potatoes more often. If your spouse likes dessert, buy something you don’t care much about, instead of that delicious premium ice cream you love.
Above all, don’t be a nag. If your spouse should be making better choices, nagging about it is guaranteed to backfire. Instead, set a good example. A nonjudgmental example.
Instead of saying “How can you eat that? It’s loaded with fat!” say “I don’t care for any, thank you.” Actions speak louder than words, so get your own food action plan straight, and enjoy good health. Your healthier food choices might turn out to be infectious.
Feldman owns Boulder County’s DNutritionServices, www.dnutritionservices.com, which offers nutrition analysis and intervention for food allergy, eating disorders, wellness, weight management and other nutrition-related concerns.
