77 percent of rapes are not committed by strangers.

A woman is four times more likely to be raped by an acquaintance than by a stranger.

The majority of acquaintance rapes do not involve drugs. Less than half involve alcohol.

31 percent of rape victims develop some form of rape-related post traumatic stress disorder.

Less than 2 percent of acquaintance rape victims report the incident to police, whereas 21 percent of woman who are raped by strangers report the crime.

– Compiled by Mary Casey II

Sources: www.daterapesafety.com, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault, Texas Woman’s University and the National Center for Victims of Crime and Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center.

1 in 6 women will be a victim of sexual assault in their lives.

College-age women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted.

Every 2 minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted.

60 percent of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.

Reporting has increased by one-third since 1993.

Only 6 percent of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.

Source: www.rainn.org.

With Thanksgiving around the corner, we tend to engage in a little reckless behavior to shore us up for the winter: a few extra calories, a splurge on something warm and some searching for a partner to see us through the cold nights. This search, while often worth it, can leave us vulnerable to heartache, disappointment or even violence.

So what do you do when the moment comes and you realize, “This is not the person I want to spend 10 more minutes with, let alone the rest of the winter?”

You leave.

In college, I got out of a bad date when the cops came looking for my date’s roommate, and I ducked out the door right under the arm of the policeman. Whatever works.

When it doesn’t work, and there are no police around, you need more options. Self-defense books talk about avoiding danger and fighting back with lethal force. But what’s a girl to do if she’s already in a private location and things get out of hand? This is no stranger or dark alley. This is a place and a person who seemed safe — maybe exciting — just minutes ago, but things have now turned ugly.

First, some rules for your mind:

No, you don’t owe him anything.

Yes, you can do what you want.

Yes, your desires are most important.

Second, some tricks for your body:

Pinky fingers are weak and handy. Grab one and twist.

Grab on to any piece of flesh and twist.

Use elbows, knees and palms. They are your strongest and most reliable weapons.

Third, some strategies for your spirit:

Be crafty. Back carefully to the door while lying and saying things like “Gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize the time.”

Be slippery. As you head toward the door, be just out of reach. Be very welcoming, maybe make another date you’ll never keep and slowly slide away.

Be strong. Fight, spit, claw or yell your way to the exit.

Be smart. Even once your physically safe, you’ll need to process any trauma. Call on your resources (friends, family, agencies, teachers), connect with your spirit (take a hike, paint a picture, write poetry, go to a play) and don’t let fear hold you back.

Most importantly, don’t ever believe you’ve lost the ability to control the situation. Each moment, this moment, is a choice and an opportunity.

Mary Ji-Aitoshi Casey II is a third-degree black belt, Deshi and owner of the Boulder Quest Center. Send her your safety questions at mary@boulderquest.com.

It’s Halloween season and with that comes a rash of horror movies. I’ve gleaned some secrets to survival from yelling at the screen, although the movie damsels never seem to listen:

1. Don’t split the party!

2. Don’t summon demons, watch the video tape or believe that it can’t happen to you.

3. Don’t ruin those strappy heels by wearing them in the woods.

4. Listen to the scary music.

Ally McBeal fans know that this theme music really does play sometimes. I heard my scary music one night after leaving my volunteer position at a family violence crisis center when I used to live in North Carolina. A car pulled away from the curb just as I exited the driveway. It gave me a creepy feeling, so I pulled over. It went by. I continued on my way, but it got behind me again.

I knew the person hadn’t yet done anything illegal so calling the police, especially in a rural town, was unlikely to be helpful. I called my husband so he would be on the front porch with a phone and our rottweilers. Nearing my home, I pulled over just before a curve. As before, the car sped past me out of sight. I turned off my headlights and floored the car. I knew I only had a few moments before he doubled-back. Just as the road faded out of sight, he drove by. I was safe.

Two critical factors saved me that night:

1. I listened to my music and trusted that something was happening.

2. I knew my surroundings so well that I could use the road layout to my advantage, and I could drive with no headlights in an unlit area.

My response wasn’t what you’ll read in most safety books or Web site lists. Every month, I plan to share with you stories I know and what I’ve learned. My lists aren’t rules, but guidelines for your inner power. I want to give you hints that help unlock your survival skills for the moment that you will need it, even if it’s a fight for your spirit rather than your life.

Mary Ji-Aitoshi Casey is a third-degree black belt, Deshi and owner of the Boulder Quest Center. Send her your safety questions at mary@boulderquest.com.

Most cases of stalking involve being followed. Stalking is a repetitive pattern of unwanted, harassing or threatening behavior. Here are the facts:

One out of every 12 women, or8 percent, have been stalked before.

Women are three times more likely to be stalked than raped.

More than 1.4 million women and men are stalked in the United States every year.

77 percent of women knew their stalker.

Two-thirds of stalkers pursue their victims at least once a week, many daily, using more than one method.

Almost one-third of stalkers have stalked before.

In one in five cases, weapons are used to hard or threaten victims.

76 percent of women killed by their intimate partners were stalked by the partners before they were killed.

Sources: www.ncvc.org, the National Violence Against Women Survey, www.safehorizon.com.

On the Web

Read about stalking laws here — www.lawinfoboulder.com/colorado_statutes/harassment.html

National Centers for Victims of Crime — www.ncvc.org

Winter holidays exacerbate the potential for family violence. Maybe it’s the raised expectations or the feeling of too much darkness (literally), but Christmas has a high potential for fireworks.

To protect yourself from sporadic family violence, you need to first decide if you are ready to risk the possibility of violence. While it may cause social angst to skip the party, it’s perfectly acceptable to decide you aren’t ready to take that risk.

To determine your readiness, you need control over your mind, your emotions and your reactions. A meditation practice is a good first step, but it alone is not enough. You must test your practice under pressure in a safe environment so you can experiment with appropriate responses. You need a code of ethics that’s strong enough to hold up in a dynamic and scary situation.

If you’ve made the decision to take the risk, then here are some important rules to follow:

1. Don’t drink too much and make sure you have a sober driver.

2. Be aware of the exits or rooms you can lock from the inside

3. Have a phone with numbers of friends and family who can help. Also, program the local cab company’s number into your phone.

4. Remember: Your self worth isn’t tied to the words and actions of others.

5. Fight, if necessary, and be prepared to defend your actions. Work to understand how you can avoid triggers in the future without giving up your sense of self.

6. At any time, you can change your decision to hang out with these people.

By changing yourself and your relationships with people, you still have no control over their behavior, but you are able to take control of yourself, body, mind and spirit. In this way, you can stay safe, enjoy your holidays and have fun hanging out with people you love.

When it’s even bigger

If you are in a situation where family violence is happening consistently, you need to develop a plan for escape beyond this. Memorize the phone number of a local or national family violence center and contact them. At a minimum, pack a bag with money, valuables and copies of important documents and keys and give it to a friend you can trust. Then work to plan your escape to increase your safety and chances for success.

Get help here

Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence, 835 North St., Boulder, 303-449-8623, www.safehousealliance.org

24-hour crisis line: 303-444-2424

Mary Ji-Aitoshi Casey II is a third-degree black belt, Deshi and owner of the Boulder Quest Center. Send her your safety questions at mary@boulderquest.com.

When I was in high school, stalking was an almost unheard of crime that only happened to celebrities. It seemed you had to be rich, famous and fantasy-worthy.

Today the face of stalking has changed, and it reaches past social and class boundaries. Stalkers hunt college campuses, high school hallways, even boardrooms to find prey.

Stalking takes many forms, and may change as the obsession deepens or wanes.

The most familiar stalker is the predatory stalker, who tracks a victim to physically attack. These stalkers usually avoid direct contact until they “pounce,” preferring instead to survey their prey from the shadows.

Many celebrities deal with the intimacy seeker, who improperly believes that the target of affection is his or her soul mate. These stalkers send love letters and may become a rejected stalker, torn between reconciliation and revenge.

The morbidly infatuated believes the victim is actually in love with the stalker and needs psychological intervention to heal the delusion.

A resentful stalker has more interest in revenge than a relationship and blames others for causing bad things to happen. This person has frightening staying power and will often work to turn people, including law enforcement, against the victim.

The Internet further complicates stalking; it can be used to enhance the above activities or be its own independent category. A cyberstalker pretends to be someone else or uses electronic means to keep tabs. These people in relationships often use text messaging or IM as a method for keeping tabs. They also check car GPS units or gas usage and mileage to learn about a victim’s movements.

What to do if you suspect stalking

1 . Do not engage with the stalker. Don’t pick up the phone or ask him (or her) to stop texting you. A stalker wants contact, even if it’s negative. Don’t give him any fuel.

2. Reach out. Let people know you need help. If you feel your safety is threatened, report to the police, even if there’s little to say. Other resources include: the University of Colorado’s Office of Victim Assistance, MESA and the Safehouse.

3. Tell others what is going on. Let neighbors, coworkers and friends know. Even though we’ve become an insular society, our safety is increased when we have people watching our backs — in a good way, not the creepy stalker way.

4. Track what’s happened. Write down every incident, take pictures, get witness statements, and note any details you can remember.

5. Evaluate what changes you can make to increase your feeling of safety. Can you change your locks, take self-defense courses, move, vary your routine or get a roommate? These decisions are personal, so take the time to make the decision that works best for you.

On the Web

www.movingtoendsexualassault.org

www.bouldercountysafehouse.org

By the numbers

1 in 12 women will be stalked in their lifetime.

1.8 years is the average duration of stalking.

77 percent of female victims know their stalkers.

87 percent of stalkers are men.

Source: www.ncvc.org.

Mary Ji-Aitoshi Casey II is a third-degree black belt, Deshi and owner of the Boulder Quest Center. Send her your safety questions at mary@boulderquest.com.

These fears are compounded by the heavy clothing that restricts movement and makes it hard to use are other senses, like hearing, because of being bundled up. Plus, the cold weather is distracting and makes people internally focused in an effort to stay warm and ignore discomfort. The ground is often frozen and treacherous. Finally, with the rash of attacks that have happened in the last few months on University Hill and the Creek Path, there are legitimate reasons for concerns.

So here’s some good news. Heavy clothing is also a benefit because it acts as modern day armor. Bad guys are just as affected by cold and walking conditions as you are.

Just because the nights are long and cold, you don’t have to dread your walks.

The first thing to do is identify what you fear most. In that large list of possible fears, there will be some that are at the heart of your discomfort. Knowing what makes you uncomfortable allows you to manage it.

Now, there are three ways to manage risks: accept, avoid or mitigate.

Let’s take the example of the treacherous ground. You could accept the risk of black ice and gleefully wear stiletto-heeled boots, knowing your chances of good traction are decreased. You could avoid the risk and stay indoors until the pathways have been properly cared for. Or you could mitigate the risk by wearing snow boots and changing into your stiletto boots later.

I originally entered the martial arts because I was a college student and library night owl. In my junior year, we had a rash of sexual assaults on campus and it suddenly hit me that being at the library until 2 a.m. was a risky behavior — and probably not my only one. I had decisions to make about who I wanted to be. I decided that it was important to respect my body’s natural bio-rhythms and that I needed a strategy to manage my risk. I choose martial arts, and later added meditation, to mitigate my risks.

I strongly believe that no choice is a bad choice if it is made freely with mindfulness and respect. What choices have you made to be the success that you are today?

Meditation on managing risk

Find a comfortable position where you can be relaxed and alert.

Wear comfortable clothing.

Choose one risk factor that is causing fear in your life or pick one decision you are agonizing over.

Take 21 deep breaths, repeating your question on the exhale.

Then relax into silence, letting the power of your question wash over you.

Sit and allow answers to arise, as they will.

Take a deep breath and let your question float away from you.

Stretch and enjoy the rest of your day.

– By Mary Casey II

Mary Ji-Aitoshi Casey II is a third-degree black belt, Deshi and owner of the Boulder Quest Center. Send her your safety questions at mary@boulderquest.com.